THE PATIENT WHO CHANGED MY LIFE A Wising Up Web Anthology PART II: BOUNDARIES
JOAN PHILLIPS
THE HOME FOR UNWED MOTHERS
I was sixteen
They let us put one wish for our child
Into the folder
Of course there was no guarantee
The adoptive family could or would honor it
I said I just wanted him in a Christian home
I was sixteen
I made the choice to give him up
They knocked me out for the delivery
I didn't see him for five days
They don't want you to bond
We weren't supposed to take a picture when we saw them
But every girl left that home with a picture
Of her baby
I was sixteen
I waited sixteen more years to ever have my own children
I didn't want him to think it didn't matter to me
I wanted my life to be worth it
I just needed to know I did something
She is almost through with her doctorate
She has two beautiful little daughters
She has a letter saying her son has registered
And might want contact with her
She realizes she never gave him up
And never will
All the letter says is he lives in Texas somewhere
And his name is Christian
BOUNDARIES
A tiny magenta blur
Darts across
My waiting room
To wrap arms around my waist
And give me two small pieces of candy
That appear to have been in her warm hand
A long time
The textbooks say
Never touch a client
Never accept a gift
They call this boundaries
Don't do this
Don't do that
Do no harm
Do your best
But boundaries also mean
Containing more than you own heart can keep
Within its small permeable boundary
So I take the candy
Give her a hug back
And our session begins
LESSONS
I actually truly believe clients come to me bearing gifts of growth that I am needing at that moment and if I figure out what I need to learn from them, in the process they will also get what they need. Not quite this simple, but actually works most of the time.
So, she comes with this complaint- although she would not complain,
this is her lot in life.
She accepts it, that a man will not
be loving her the way she deserves
to be loved. Has tolerated it even
though she is beautiful and pure
inside and out. Has let this man
be a dust cloud around her radiance.
Feels unable to ask for or get
what she wants in her heart.
I know in my gut what she
needs and deserves. She already
feels better knowing that I know,
though I do not speak it.
Why can't I accept that
within myself as well?
I guess it is time to learn.
Why do I dread this lesson?
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
The Home for Unwed Mother What boundaries has this mother constructed to manage the
pain of her own choices? Have you, as a professional, made choices that seem
similarly anguishing to "make your life worth something"? Are they decisions your own children
would understand?
Boundaries When is it important to relax boundaries with children? When is it important to observe boundaries with children strictly? Do you apply the same reasoning with adults? Lessons When does our identification with the people who come to us
improve our work with them? Have you ever unintentionally imposed your own conflicts on
your clients or patients? As a patient, have you ever felt that your care-provider identified too intensely with you? Not enough? Which was more damaging?
Joan Phillips, PhD, holds
degrees in Interdisciplinary Studies, Art Therapy and Psychology and is faculty
at the University of Oklahoma in Norman, Oklahoma.She maintains a private practice of counseling/art therapy
and sees a wide variety of clients. Dr. Phillips has trained professionals
locally, nationally and internationally and consults with clinicians and
programs. Her poetry has been featured several times inBlood and thunder: musings on the art
of medicine, a literary journal published by the OU College of Medicine, is
featured in WordPictures: the poetry and art of art therapists (2004), and in
various literary journals.
